“There’s a time and a place for everything.”
How many of us heard that, growing up? And how many times?
I looked it up the other day, just to make sure it wasn’t something my parents had made up specifically for me when I was a kid.
(In retrospect, that would not be surprising.)
But apparently this was not the case.
The Cambridge Online Dictionary includes that very expression and defines it as something said “when someone is behaving in a way that you do not think is suitable for the situation they are in.”
That about sums up my parents’ situation.
Of course, there’s not a time and place for literally everything. It’s more like there is a time and place for a lot of things.
But that wouldn’t make as catchy a saying.
But for clarity, sometimes we add a second line: “And this isn’t the time or place.”
Even when a parent doesn’t add that last part, the kid usually gets the point.
I overheard a conversation in a waiting room the other day that got me thinking about all this.
A lady was asking a man about an unfortunate turn in his marital status.
Her question might already have bumped up against the “time and place” proverb. But it gets worse.
After the distraught man had replied with more detail than he might have done, had he known what was coming, the woman replied, “Well, I like you and I like your wife.”
Nice sentiment. To like two people even though they disagree with each other at the moment.
But it’s the moment that mattered.
The place might have been all right, even if debatable.
But the time could have not been worse.
If reality television had a show called “What Not to Say,” we would already have our first episode.
Because even if, to quote another old saying, time heals all wounds (or even some of them), it was not yet the time for this distressed man to hear about his even-handed acquaintance’s esteem for his soon-to-be ex.
Even if he was included as a recipient of that esteem.
“I like you, and I like your spouse” has become almost an old saying in itself these days.
And like most old sayings, it may mean something quite different from the literal words.
Just like “there’s a time and a place for everything” is not literally true. Not to mention that no one ever says it in praise of someone who does or says something in the right time and place.
And just like “time heals all wounds” is not literally true. Time might heal some wounds, but not others.
“I like you, and I like your spouse” is equally suspect because, typically, it is said to a person who is going through a painful time which they (to various degrees of accuracy) believe to be caused by the other partner.
And in many cases, going through a separation is a traumatic experience, sometimes lasting for longer than the immediate shock.
We generally have the good sense not to say insensitive things to trauma victims.
Even a weather junkie usually knows not to say, “I’m sorry a tornado demolished your house. And I like you, but I still like tornados.”
And a neighbor is unlikely to say “I’m sorry that guy broke into your house and stole all your jewelry, and I like you, but I like him too.”
But when it comes to people undergoing a separation, we sometimes forget to be sensitive.
“I like you, and I like your partner” might really be saying more about us than about the person we are talking to.
Maybe we are meeting some need of our own.
Sometimes, it may be an attempt not to burn bridges with either partner. (Although, ironically, it can do a pretty good job of singeing the bridge to the person you’re talking to.)
Or it might reflect a need to feel better about our own relational shortcomings, especially if they are similar to those of the person we are discussing.
Even so, it is worthwhile to extend kindness to each injured party, when possible
But until time heals some of the wounds, it’s probably smarter to do so in person.
And one at a time.
Unless, of course, we really want to burn bridges with the one we’re talking with.
In that case, reminding them how much we like their ex just might do the trick.
Julia Cochran is a licensed professional counselor in Rincon. She can be reached at 912-772-3072 or by email at JCochranPhD@GileadCounseling.com.