“There are two kinds of families,” according to a cynical quotation. “Dysfunctional families, and families you don’t know very well.”
I’m not sure where I picked up that bit of wisdom. Actually, I may have made it up.
But as it turns out, it may not be particularly accurate.
One of the joys of teaching is that we end up learning a lot in the process.
And this week I learned a more realistic way of looking at the idea of “dysfunctional families.”
In a couple of my classes, we were looking at what makes for a “functional family.” The author of our textbook defined “family function” as the ways in which a family meets the needs of its members, and particularly how parents help their children to meet their full potential.
And she listed five important ways for parents to do this.
The first important way to have a functional family, according to the list, is to provide for the basic physical needs of the child. Most of us would agree, since it is hard to meet any other needs if the basic needs for food and shelter cannot be met.
Another important element of a functional family is to encourage learning. It occurred to me that learning involves not only making sure homework is done and getting the kids to school. It also involves letting a child have a try with a paintbrush because it looks like fun, instead of telling them it’s not as much fun as it looks. Things like not being too busy to let a little one get under the hood of a car with you to see how to fix something.
Helping a child to develop self-respect is a third way to contribute toward a functional family. That means realizing that it’s all right for a child to be childish. Not belittling a child’s concerns. Not ridiculing the child or allowing or encouraging others to do so.
A fourth path toward a functional family is to encourage your child to have friendships. This may come easily to parents who have a lot of connections outside the home, because if the parents have friends, their children often become friends as well. More solitary parents may need to be more aware of their children’s need for peers, because having friends in childhood can reduce the risk of mental illness later in life.
Finally, a functional family is one in which the parents encourage harmony and stability within the home. This means disagreeing without becoming physically or verbally abusive. Not taking out our frustrations or hostilities out on the child. Not wounding the child with words that will last a lot longer than your anger.
Strangely enough, nowhere in the list did our author make any mention of love. But there was a lot of emphasis on respect.
In fact, another psychologist, Dr. Elvira G. Aletta, has observed, “Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love…. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect.”
With this revised way of assessing family function, I have started looking around at families I have known. And surprisingly, it has led me to conclude that some of those apparently functional families really do seem to exhibit a lot of those five criteria proposed by the author of our textbook.
And what about the children we know who might not be getting a healthy dose of all that goes into making a functional family?
Well, the news is good here too. Sometimes, we learned, a child who is not getting enough of those needs met at home can benefit from the influence of another adult who can fill in the gap.
A loving and respectful grandparent, a devoted uncle or aunt, a wise neighbor. Or even someone outside the family.
So maybe it does take a village to raise a child. In a functional family, the village is invited to participate. But if not, sometimes we can bring the village to the kid.
Sometimes all they might need, as Aretha Franklin sings, is a little respect.
Julia Cochran is a licensed professional counselor in Rincon. She can be reached at 912-772-3072 or by email at JCochranPhD@GileadCounseling.com.